The Fall & The Rise !!!

     Having lived through common ups and downs with exams and results throughout school days as any other student , I had eventually tasted 'Success' in SSC when i scored 90+ % . Success brings alongwith itself a lot of things like happiness , good fortunes , joy , satisfaction ,confidence ,etc. But life has it's own terms of dictating. All good things come to an end and so did mine .

     Failure struck me during my 12th board exams . Unaware about my fortunes ,  I was living life ,as usual in my own terms . No. of different entrance examinations were lined up during the summer days . Sure that I would live upto the expectations of atleast myself , I was preparing on a regular basis for the exams at home . Exams came and went . The feeling was obvious that i would eventually make it through to a decent engineering college through atleast one of the many cards i had played with. Summer ended with exams taking a leave from my life and along came monsoon ,with the Results . A series of results and for the first time in my life I was struck with a series of FAILURE !!!

    One might feel results and failure have always been a couple , living on & off. But the dimensions of my life which were hit by those results shook me off . My mom was suddenly diagnosed with a serious heart problem and was advised complete bedrest. My sister's marriage was on the cards and the whole expense of the marriage ceremony was on my parent's shoulders as we were from the bride's territory. Suddenly ,the feeling was like everything was trying to choke me down till i suffocate out . With the support of only mom & sister from whole family or relatives , and Dad criticizing me at every moment possible , life suddenly felt nothing to live for . Tears were my companion throughout those days and nights .With lots of arguments and some eventual good luck , i got admission to Comp. Engg in a college by management at the cost of Rs.3 Lakhs , which was paid totally by my mom and sister . Now that figure ,at that junction defined my 'Failure' !!!

    That thing gave rise to a guilt feeling in me and a sense of inferiority .Such was the sudden change failure brought in me that i was desperately searching for success or say balance in my life . Studying in train on the way to college , studying in evening at home after college ,classes , every effort to strike joy with results was taken by me . My first sem exams dawned . With little sort of support from my mom and not even best luck wishes from my dad , tears continued to flow , nights went with horrible dreams and thoughts throughout the exam season . Exams went ,results came and so did failure came to shake hands again with me . KT in one of the subjects, and failure was loving me more than often now . With a heavy heart and the guilt feeling rising even more in my heart now , this resulted in another defining change in my life.

     Suddenly , I learnt the first chapter from failure.' Don't search for success !!! It could never be spotted with naked eyes' . And 2nd , ' Don't aim for the sky from the start of the journey !!!' The concept of 'staircases' resembled the way to lead in life .

     Another junction came, the 2nd sem examinations. Being diagnosed with cholitis and acute paining due to osgoodshatters and going through CT scan , X-ray, heavy doses of injections during the exams , doctor advising to skip the exams ,my mind was facing another calamity already . Trying to keep things simple in coming semester,i tried not to over emphasize on achieving any goals . With the sole intention of passing the exams, I attempted the papers. Results came and this time , tears were accompanied with smile on my face. The joy on my mother's face which was lost since a long time it seemed, suddenly was back. I realised the importance of the moment for me and my mom .

    Things seemed to get more clear in coming semesters as I passed with satisfactory marks . 2nd sem seemed to be turning point as i learnt certain things as said before . My mom's happiness suddenly started to inspire me and still inspires today .That is the thing along with the figure '3 lakhs'  which injects in me a sudden realization to study and bring a smile on my mother's face . Finally achieved a ranking in 2nd last sem of engg. journey . People associated it with my success . But i knew , it just meant a growing sense of satisfaction which i was trying to discover since the 2nd sem. The inferiority complex suddenly started diminishing , confidence overcame fear of failure , a sense of self-belief arose . But still the guilt feeling resides in my heart . It's like, written on the slate board of my mind, unwilling to get erased . It seemed it won't ever get erased at first, but over the last few sems , the feeling is fading off . I don't know if it would ever get permanently erased , but i have realized one thing, it sure has inspired me to achieve all this. Success for me has currently become a sense of satisfaction which i strive for  , and not some defining terms from which other people judge me.

     Still many things to achieve ,to gain , to live for . Success is still a far distant term to associate with my life for me. But , failure certainly has been the stepping stone to success for me .

      My engg . life started shakingly with the base of failure , but the journey has taught me a great deal of things I shared here today . Failure is a great ally if dealt with properly . Each one goes through such phase in his /her life, I hope everyone comes out shining out of that phase .

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